Monday, December 19, 2005

I'm not a Resolution Maker

2006 is quickly approaching. I’ve thought about some resolutions I’d like to make, and keep. I don’t like to say them out loud though. ‘Cause if I don’t say them out loud then no one will be disappointed in me when I don’t keep them, right? Including myself. I’m a firm believer in “don’t say you’re going to do it if your not”. If some one tells me they’re going to do something then I expect them to do it. And if they can’t do it I’d like them to tell me they aren’t so I don’t keep waiting, and then on top of being disappointed I’m hurt and angry.

I’m not typically a resolution maker. I like to live my life honestly and forthright, while still allowing myself the freedom to experiment and make mistakes. And I don’t like to beat myself up. Right now though I really need to get my weight under control. And I’m the only one who can do that. I know what I’m supposed to do. I know. So what keeps me from succeeding? That is deep rooted, and my body doesn’t make it easy for me. But it’s not impossible, and it can be done. It’s about choices and making the right decisions. It’s about motivation to be healthier. Controlling it before something irreversible sets in. I owe it to myself and those I love and care about.
I did quit smoking this year. That’s a huge accomplishment. And if it weren’t for Will I’d probably still be smoking. He never pressured me to quit. But he surely facilitated my decision to stop by taking over the grocery shopping. At some point when I ran out of cigarettes I just didn’t feel like making the trip to the market or the 7-Eleven to pick some up. So I had to stop buying them. I hardly ever think about smoking anymore. Occasionally when I get in my car to run some errand or something I’ll think about it. Even think about stopping at the 7-Eleven to pick up a pack of smokes while I’m out, but that thought soon passes and is gone.
And when I first started dating Will I lost 30 pounds. But have since gained it back. I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. I’ve never felt slim, although I was considered to be a normal weight I always felt chubby, and now when I see pictures of me then, I wasn’t chubby at all. I was certainly curvy, which was fine. But now I’m more than curvy. I’m fat.
And I don’t like to say that word. I’ll usually say I’m carrying a lot of weight. Or I’m heavy. Those things are true, but I’m also fat.

So, now that I’ve done more than say it. I’ll have to make an effort, because it is a huge effort for me, I’ll have to make an effort to make better choices and suitable decisions and control my portion size, and exercise more. I won’t beat myself up about this. I know it can be done, but do I have the will to do it? I believe I do.


Anonymous said...

You can do it! And you will be inspiring me to make my proper choices and we'll both feel better.
With all of my love and support when you need it

Cinnamon Thoughts said...

Thanks Mom. You've always been there to support me and for that, and so much more, I love you more than I can say. Yes, I can do it. And with Will I'll find the will to do it.